Identifying energy vampires

Unfortunately, conventional methods like sunlight and mirrors won’t help you spot an energy vampire. But you can start by asking yourself some questions:

• Does my chest tighten every time a certain person enters the conversation?
• Do I need a nap after hanging up the phone?
• Do I binge eat when the conversation is over?
• Do I have a headache or feel queasy when talking to someone?
• Does my energy bottom out after certain functions, such as family dinners or work meetings?
• Do I feel criticized, blamed or attacked during conversations?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these, you may be dealing with an energy vampire.

Types of energy vampires and how to protect yourself

Not all energy vampires are the same. “There are plenty of them out there, and some are worse than others,” Orloff said. “But the whole idea is to protect your health and your energy and your emotions so you can have some fun in life and enjoy life rather than giving everything to energy vampires.”

The common types of energy vampires include:

The narcissist. Someone who is very self-absorbed and charming. They lure you in with compliments and seem very Team Edward at first. But the minute you’re reeled in, they become cold, withholding and punishing.

• Protect yourself: Be realistic with your expectations. Narcissists lack empathy and put themselves first, so avoid depending on or confiding in a person who doesn’t honor your feelings and emotions.

The victim. This “poor me” person always feels like the world is against them, and when things go wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. Victim types will keep you on the phone for hours and when you offer a solution, they say, “That won’t work because …” and the cycle continues.

• Protect yourself: Let that person know if they are into solutions, then you’re more than willing to talk. Otherwise, try a three-minute phone call or chat. You can say, “I support you, but I can only listen for a few minutes.”

The blamer and shamer. This person makes you feel terrible about yourself and has a sneaky way of making you feel guilty for not getting things just perfect. They may resort to verbal abuse, which is unacceptable.

• Protect yourself: If you can avoid these people all together — do it. But if you can’t, try not to take what was said personally the best you can and don’t get into a prolonged discussion about their criticism of you. It’s important to talk to someone who is positive after a confrontation to help build you up and help you feel appreciated.

The constant talker. We’ve all met this one. The person that corners you at a party and never stops talking. And it doesn’t matter how much garlic dip you consume — if you take two steps back that person takes two steps forward.

• Protect yourself: It can be awkward to interrupt someone, but if you don’t do it, you’ll be there all night. Say, “I have to interrupt you — I need to use the bathroom.” Use a kind but firm tone of voice — not apologetic — to get your message across.

The drama queen/king. All sentences start with, “OMG you’ll never guess what happened!” Everything is a disaster for the drama queen/king, and it never seems to stop.

• Protect yourself: Before you get too far into the drama, let that person know you only have a minute before your next meeting or your lunch is over, etc. And don’t ask questions if you don’t want to go down the rabbit hole. You can say, “I’m so sorry you’re under so much stress. I will hold good thoughts for you.”

The rageaholic. This type of energy vampire dumps rage on you and expresses anger that may or may not be about you.

• Protect yourself: If you can put a wooden stake in this relationship, do it. If you can’t, set clear boundaries like a no yelling rule and if they want to talk to you, require that they do it when they’re calm. A person who can’t control their anger or yelling or saying terrible things needs outside help.

Be your own Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Energy vampires won’t just go quietly into the night. It takes time and effort to identify the drainers, set boundaries and create a garlic-like barrier around your well-being.

Setting boundaries is hard, but going Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a friend can help. “You can come back and talk about what happened when you set the boundary or what difficulties you had so you can process it,” Orloff said. “So then you have a common project — and it’s a really worthwhile project to improve your emotional wellness and feel better in life so you’re not running scared of all these people.”